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relationships ain’t never 50/50

somebody lied to us.  somewhere along the line, somebody told us relationships are supposed to be equal–that each person would give to the relationship just as much as they would take out of it.  and now we suffer.  we suffer from failing relationships by accepting this falsehood as relationship gospel.

the truth is, relationships ain’t never 50/50. they are 60/40, 70/30, 80/20 and, at times, even 99/1 (especially if you are raising kids).  the scales will always be tipped in one person’s favor versus the other. why?  because the combination of our situation (what’s going on in our life) + our method for handling that situation (our personality/ philosophy/ training) + the other person’s situation + their method for handling their situation will always lead to a disproportionate pull on the relationship by one party.  when she is fighting for her health, she may pull more.  while he is on his entrepreneurial grind, he may need more help.  when you are first joining that new company or starting that new position, you will take more value from the company than you give.

but, while the scales will be always tipped, relationships can flourish when two things happen.  one: we must seek to have the scale rest as close to equal as possible in the long run.  that means accepting a disproportionate pull by one party in the short-term (day-to-day, month-to-month, or even year-to-year), but allowing the scale to continually shift from one party’s advantage to the other’s as seasons change and/or we develop new methods for handling life.  two: the party who is “getting more” at the time must create enough meaningful moments that refill the other party’s energy so that their partner can continue giving until it is time for the tide to shift.  that means giving the “right things” enough times so that your partner is not operating on an empty tank.

although relationships are never 50/50, it does not mean they have to fail.  relationships can be successful simply by adjusting our expectations to be “more real” and adopting strategies that facilitate the right amount of give/take in the short and long run.

  • by detavio
  • posted at 9:32 am
  • May 30, 2011
  • Fave

    preach. church. tabernacle. it’s no fun running on an empty tank (because you can’t run for long). 

  • http://www.jeffdolan.com Jeff Dolan

    Good word Detavio! It’s a hard lesson to learn. 

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